One of the pearl buttons on my shirt reflected a bit of light, enough to keep me standing. All the smells and sounds became muffled and it was like a thick fog had descended. It was like an ominous dusk had arrived, three hours too early. I could barely see the guys at the table, but I knew they were still there. My left foot, then the right began slowly shuffling toward them.
With his foot, one of the men pushed a chair towards the table as a welcoming gesture for me to sit down. I could do nothing but stand, and I weren’t sure if it was me standin’ there. A ghost, am I a ghost? I had not enough structure to even feel vulnerable.
‘We could begin playing cards and during the game you would gain benefit from pairs, straights and flushes, or we could go fishing and you would benefit from what you put on your hook.’
Those words from the other guy at the table were said so clearly, so purely, that I felt like some tremendous feeling was being born and growing right inside of me.
‘Rains come and wash away boundaries, hurricanes blow away landmarks, earthquakes rearrange everything. Your mind is just another landscape and it is also vulnerable to reconstructive forces, sometimes coming in the form of four-word signs.’
I sat in silence for what seemed like hours. Eyes shut, barely breathing, my heart laid bare to my next realizations. My silence went deeper. No longer was it just the absence of sound, it began to erase my past. All those petty little ideas that ended up being who I am were disintegrating. From a silhouette, I succumbed to being an unidentifiable shadow. A wisp of nothingness which had this remarkable quality of filling everything.
I was ‘nothing’ I guess. I sensed no ‘person’ as me. No body. No mind. No form.
There came a ‘deepest silence’. A silence that I will let you ponder as I have no words that could ever start to begin a description. A silence named ‘No words’.
Then, when the time was right, when I was ready, when there was this special alignment or adjustment that only ‘nothing’ can bring about, a small, indistinguishable light appeared. But even the light was different, special. It illuminated so that travel was possible but somehow it was unfocused which prevented the discernment of right and wrong.
As I returned to a more living state, the first word that came to mind was ‘misrepresentation’. I thought of who and what might have been misrepresented; Mom, Joyce, Joycie, me- and she. Then the magnificence lit up my mind.
I could only shake my head.