There was a lapse in the flow. Serendipity ceased to punctuate, randomness slept. It was not as though the flow stopped, but as if its intent disappeared. The longing remained, but nothing was left to long for. The next heartbeat clumsily tried to remain in the procession, those after that one became extinct. Peace was still a resident but had lost its heart. There was no void but everything had become unidentifiable. Even the silence, the rich, fertile silence, was without magic. There was a gap in time which brought salience to its knees. Movement remained, devoid of progress. Possibility was still standing but with the absence of any assignable cause. Things were desaturated from the inside out like the levels of opacity of their souls slowly made their way to zero. Reality digressed into an abstract silhouette of uncertainty.
Before, way before the transformation started, back when there was at least an idea of where the edge of knowledge ended, that edge identified a subtle line of demarcation, similar to the ones between seasons. The past world which had a modicum of structure became a wasteland. Human life, if was still called that, was, like living in a pot of stew. Nothing was contiguous for more than a second. Continuity evaporated. The only plans made were ones about how to handle change.
And then we met and we tried to deal with the capriciousness of our surroundings, to find one snapshot on which to start some type of foundation. A place to plant our feet, a mental hometown. Now, words had nothing but the vaguest of meanings. The only thing recognizable was the light in your eyes, and that is what made up my life. My nourishment came from each glint, every sparkle and each longing gaze – from your eyes. The search for meaning was haunting as we delved into each other on just that visual level.
We so wanted to walk together, to dream together, to share – everything- with each other. Ah, to grow in each others’ garden, purely, perfectly. But all we had to exchange this desire was hope, and a link shared by a mutual gaze into each other’s eyes, periodically augmented by blinks, sparkles and tears.
There was one other punctuality, sleep, and when we arose each morning the first gaze proved to be the best because it brought renewed hope, happiness and clarity. After experiencing this clarity day after day, it became certain that to get away from the hypnotic morass of daily living was key. Somehow, that idea manifested itself of its own accord into our lives by creating synchronous times when we would shut our eyes at the same time and enjoy periods of peace, joy and bliss. When our eyes next met, new ideas had been formed, better insights gleaned, new worlds imagined. Potentials of continuity re-emerged. The makings of a stable oasis were on the horizon. Hope abounded. Fissures were mended. The tears that unhappiness brought, evaporated. Sparkles of more purity replaced those of worn luster.
The ugly stew was still all around us, beckoning to be dealt with, but a mere closing of our eyes assured ourselves that ‘out beyond’ our superficial gaze laid waiting a world of infinite possibilities. We chose to live there. It was you that made it possible. Remember, we began spending so much time ‘out beyond’ but that meant our eyes had to be shut. Then, that one day, that oh so special day when I looked into your eyes and you were already there! I had never seen your face look so beautiful, so majestic, so pure. A fawn in the mist of a cool autumn morning, an eagle soaring far above without a care, a kitten sleeping on its back on a wool blanket. You were there! I was still on the edge. You didn’t move. Your contentment touched the apex. You were free; no desires, no concerns – just purity. I hung there, between the quagmire and the infinite searching your visage for a final prompt, one more little push, just a tug to start my leap, but it never came.
You motionless, me hanging. I was at the door. I had nothing to lose, everything to gain. Was it the wind, or just time? The door began to shut. Well-worn thoughts raced; it’s so new, it may be a hoax, I can make it here, it could ruin your life. Your eyes said nothing. They had spoken, many many times. They were now finished speaking.
The door was nearly shut. A quagmire or an opening? Your changeless expression, what? Why? I understand! It’s my decision, no one else’s. That’s why there is no final push, no mandate. But there is the ‘how’. What do I do? I would have guessed that intellect would have showed the way. But as is the case in many of these quintessential matters, it is just the opposite. Here, it was lack of intellect. There were no clues, no signs, no reasonings – just a partially open door. It was the time, my time, to attest to or negate the idea of something being ‘out beyond’ or not. It was my decision. Eyes could lead me to the door, but no expression was possible to lead me through the door.
The door, now one inch from closed. But it knows. I did what everyone who crosses over does – nothing. You can’t do anything to enable the cross-over. You just let it happen. My eyes shut and the Infinite disengaged me, from all that I thought was me. It is a preparation for what is to come. A cleansing, a softening, an opening, that enables assimilation on the other side.
I slipped through during the final moments the door was open. Inside, or should I say, ‘outside’, we met, really, for the first time. Your expression hadn’t changed, and it didn’t have to. The Infinite is perfection, and peace. There is nothing like ‘more sparkling’. If something is supposed to sparkle there, it sparkles perfectly.
The original flow had stopped. Now it is time to listen, as the Infinite introduces us to bliss at the highest level. Magic feelings, dream-like vistas and tingling contentment await at each juncture.
Wondering . . . Is it time, right now, to jump – or to stay in the boat?
Not sure why…I am so deeply touched.
Why am I crying?
Why…so deep…right now?
I give up…I give in…I give over…damn.
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